BEING FULLY CONVINCED THAT WORDPRESS IS WORTHY TO MOVE TO, I HAVE. DUE TO THE CONVENIENCE AND BECAUSE OF THE HIGH VIEWER TRAFFIC, WORDPRESS, THOUGH TAKES A LONG TIME TO SET UP, BUT IS WORTHY FOR THE LONG RUN. SO I HAVE MOVED.

its the same name, just wordpress.com
its great when no one has your name aint it
Click here

lol, Lord, you're, AMAZING.

I just read finish my curious incident. Looks like everything for planning turned out well. The speakers are all settled. The speeches are all settled.

Grandma just got sent to hospital.

Sheep at an unstable state.

And lord, though i seem so crazy, it just makes me believe, this is all just, part of your plan.

Within a week, to wordpress.
www.alvern.wordpress.com
its up already actually.
just that, hmm, departing orange is a hard price.
and i needa get use to wordpress for awhile, so i'd stick with blogger.
I'm always appalled at dreams. When you sleep, your mind thinks. When you're awake, you can't.
And its more scary, when your dreams, always become reality. Seeing the future, weeks and months before.
is this a calling?

I havent learnt my lesson.

Frodo: Your Late Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early, he arrives precisely when he means to”

Similarly, as i was picked up just before falling to rock bottom like a young eaglet's training to soar. It seems i haven't fully been convinced with God's solution and i am personally ashamed of myself.

As i was preparing for my lit fest, i told jw and des that i would only arrive at 1.30pm since the school starts at 1.40, so i can plan more with my team.

Apparently as i left school, my bus 196 drove by(i didnt know 33 reaches newtown too).

As it stopped at the bus stop, my fervent prayers, "please lord, the red light". So that i may catch the bus to do your will.

And the bus crawled by. But this time, i didnt reprimand God or anything, i just carried on thinking of another solution. Then suddenly, i thought of 33, and i ran to the board and check, and yes it does go to NT and i may just reach on time. Little did i know that 196 just arrived again.

And just when i was about to sit down, my eyes swept across the horizon, catching a glimpse of 3 numbers, 196.

And this was the moment i was, appalled.

Lord, i'm sorry i have no faith in you lord, always depending on my on strength and never yours.

/edit
oh yeah, i'm going for a debate for the lit festival at CRESCENT, and a few other guys are joining to watch, hopefully me and my team. Yeah, its on a Saturday 8am-1pm. And i wouldn't compromise on service thats my promise. Theres no free seating btw. And i havent read finish my curious incident, so yeah, thats how screwed i am.

I'm up against compassvale sec. yeah.

At any one point, should quality be compromised for quantity.
Both in spiritual wellbeing and physical well being.
besides quantity, is a quality

Do enlighten me.

oh yeah, btw, for the anoynomous guy, lemme tell you something, i can moderate my tagboard, so bothering trying stupid stuff. But anyway..
i'd rather be Osama then some goofy bank robber.
If you're destruction is so great, why not claim credit. Because, heck, i cant do much to you, besides. And do enlighten me as well, if i am the only crazy one, that would put criticisms to the person with my name, because, if i'm gonna tell him that he sucks, i want to tell him that I think that he sucks.

I advice you to play the music. Its going to be long.
yes, you didnt see wrongly.
I want to quit being a CL.
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i went to service with a heart, Seeking God earnestly for the 1st time in ages. Almost similar to the time when i first stepped into nexus.(2 weeks before Christmas 06).
I slowed down my entire lifestyle. I didnt shepherd my sheeps. I didnt go for CLM, i didnt read my bible. I just, talk to God for the whole week. because i knew, my heart wasn't right. I need to settle it before i can settle others. And probably some of the things i should have done but i didn't do, but all i knew was, i needed a change of heart. I needed, a renewal.

My flame has been extinguished. Everything became a routine. And i knew, this is NOT christianity. And i cant afford to let my sheep feel the way i do resulting in not shepherding them. Afraid ministering them into the devil's path.

Because i knew i am broken, i knew i need to be healed. And then, "quit CLM". It seemed to be the most plausible resolution. To be back to be a pillars. My spiritual status, would never be able to handle a pioneering group, not to say, the biggest one. I would only, jeopardize their growth. Not speaking of my own yet.

To be a pioneer, kingdom mindedness is a lifestyle. And i can proudly declare, i wasn't close to it at all. I knew, continuing would further destroy the my Christian walk, and the peers around me. I couldn't afford to let God's kingdom die because of my me.

And then i thought, wouldn't my departure also kill them. In one way or another. Maybe if i could resolve it myself it would be great. And i knew, i couldnt. My drive wasnt there. My flame was gone. I cant resolve it. My laziness devours my passion. It wasnt the solution.

Saturday came. I realized i didnt tell my people about "i want to be shepherds meet". I was overly caught up with myself. I was certain, I am not up to the job. I'm leaving. I cannot afford a group of close to 15 to die because of my own laziness. I am afraid to stand up.

I stood outside nexus auditorium infront of the screen thinking and thinking. I was anti social. Yes, i hate talking to others. Especially when i have thoughts to sort out. I didnt talk much. All i did was thinking, "is this your will God? to leave CLM. Or is this the devil's path". Unanswered prayers filled my heart with discontentment.

I entered nexus, doing my routine, putting my bag down getting the people down. And i didnt talk to anyone again. I, thought and prayed to God, Earnestly. I really wanted to serve God, i never had in mind to, in anyway to let the devil devour. And my decision was for the benefit of the group. Prayer meeting was short. I just kept asking God.


And i let loose a little coz its praise after that. I knew it, because i've been in church for so long. That everything became a norm. This shouldn't be the norm i knew. I turned to rick, "hey today the band not bad right. got 200% some more". If u guys understand, yeah. Then he wallaped me. Literally.

And it was praise. I just wanted to slow down. Catch all the lyrics. Maybe something from the lyrics would tell me something. Praise passed after 3 songs. I remember, because its the norm. And got my hearts ready, by automatic. Its annoying i know, how i knew everything already, how the service flows. I wanted to be new again. To be so new to a church that i never knew whats next. Excited about the next moment. But i knew the service programming, and somehow, i wasn't excited about service anymore. Its a routine.

The first song passed, worship. I was praying. The lyrics meant nothing.

"in my life, be lifted high"
"in our world, be lifted high"
"in our love, be lifted high"

I cried.

"Lord i hope pastor shirley calls me out for prayer. I pray that u will anoint her to speak to me what u have in mind lord"

"everlasting, your light will shine when all else fades"
is my life, worth to be mentioned. Would it proclaim God's name. Or would it tarnish his name. Recalling images of my new identity, "eh you come school today!"

Reminiscing on all the shit i have done. I felt, crap. am I even worthy of being a CL. Of a pioneering group. And the biggest one?. Heck, i'm shit. this is not my ball game.

another part of me, "this is it, i want to lift your name on high".

Contradictory it is. But thats how God works. First must be last, Receive comes after giving.

I was in a dilemma. To quit or not to. I never thought much of how to go about quitting. But i knew its a simple step, Go to zach/daniel and say, i'm out. Its that simple. But i had a burden for my people, What would happen to them. I couldn't decide. And i hate that feeling. Turning back is so easy, yet so difficult at the same time.

Pastor shirley ended of worship. She was the worship leader, which wasnt the usual thing. I guess God didnt answer my prayer then. I'm qutting. Yes, i'm crazy to ask that kind of prayer, because i AM crazy, to find out the answer, desprately.

Sitting back, to the usual green seats. Eating the covenant with my heart saying, i am sorry. But whatever decision i conclude with, will be yours. If you don't tell me soon, i'll quit, because i dont want to kill a group. Their limitless potential cannot be capped within mine.

Sermon, weakness made perfect in God's strength. I dont know why, but pastor Jasmine's preaching always cuts the heart. But not deep enough. Not enough for me to put in dedication.

Altar call. My eyes opened wide. Praying. I glanced back. And looked forward. Active conversation in the front. Nothing from my group. Discontentment aroused. "i am useless".

I gathered the group to go to america room. Leading them. I didnt really talk. Didnt feel like.

I knew, God, this is your last chance. To prove yourself. And i prayed earnestly that yes, you would talk through me.

The best of the best.

None from me.

I have been an unworthy servant lord. Forgive me.
I was enraged at myself.

Daniel began with his teaching. It wasnt till the end, when things start to get more in depth. I saw the fairfield photo. Of us being called out. Engraved into my memories, it played like a broken recorder, repeating itself endlessly. I felt like i totally, pissed off, with myself. I didnt reply wei jie even though he asked me, "i bet you were there". I was too busy. And i have nothing to boast about.

Daniel with his acsI group. I looked at my acsB group. Am i even close to what daniel poured out for his people. Or even worthy of being a CL. Camp i was so impacted, yet not enough to drive me. I hate it. I hate my christian life. Am i just a big fat governor from the top ordering others. (rick said it during my shepherding. I didnt tell him my thoughts. Because i wasn't ready to."you know people say, Leaders are like governors, always lieing." It made so much sense to me. I kept silent. Letting out a smile, just to place a facade over my true thoughts. i didnt want him to know)

I planned to find zach or daniel for my decision. I had an image of me and zach or daniel at the roads walking and talking. I cried. I didnt want to leave. But i will because i am killing my group, not growing it.

"i think i have slowed down my life a lot. I have been looking a the little things of my life. Although i havent been reading the bible everyday, but i make it an effort to meet God everyday."

Thats what i have been doing my entire week. Is it coincidence?

358 church planters
358 ministry workers
572 pastoral leaders

I looked at my group. I laugh at myself while tearing inside. Shit, i am saboing the entire church. I am going to have a meeting, maybe to proclaim that i leave clm, but hoping that those all out for God continues.

Worship began. Julius leaves for a band concert that only costs 15 bucks. I am destorying God's kingdom. Clarence didnt come service for ions. Lord, seriously, i quit, i cant handle it.

"i want all of you to step back"
i moved back.
"those that are willing to give their hearts all out for god step forward"
'step forward'
"yes step forwards"
A few ran up.
the rest followed suit.
I stood leaning against the wall.

This is it. If i 'm not gonna step forward. My entire group will know. And they will start asking. And i hate attention. So maybe i just step forward. "crap you, dont move your freaking legs if you're not gonna commit a single sweat out of yourself"
the few seconds felt like eternity. I had a train of thoughts raging through. "throughout this entire bunch of people, there are bound to be the Emotional high people. I dont want to be the group"

"this is it, are you gamed about cg08 alvern."
Hesitates.

"lord, i know my christian walk has been warped. I'm sorry. Lord, keep me accountable. From this day, this step of dedication would change my the whole of eternity. I'm gonna give my all. No matter what. Lord, this is it. Are you gonna stop me?"

"step forward my son"

"Lord i DO NOT WANT TO BE A ASS CRACK THAT SAYS ONE THING AND DOES THE OTHER. DO THIS FOR ME LORD. WHATEVER I DO FROM THIS DAY ONWARDS, WILL BE MY BEST AND VERY BEST FOR YOU LORD, I AM NOT BACKING OUT. though i know i have screwed up, but this is my comeback. I'm putting my laziness back to where it should be and i am gonna put u where you should be in my life. As i saw my peers all up there, i teared, what coincidence. Daniel did the exact same thing i wanted to do."

I stepped forward. I'm making a 180 degrees turn. This is my decision and shit or nut is not going to change it. I'm living for one thing thats worth. Your kingdom. And heck, this is my resolve, kill my laziness. Cause even if i become a pillar my laziness would kill me to be a member, then a quiter. I AM NOT QUITTING.

It was my greatest decision in my entire life aside from accepting christ. I knew, that this decision is serious. And i'm gonna live it through.

"i would like to pray for the CLs."
"alright thats me, thats the usual thing that daniel does. Pray for the CLs"
"Alvern and Ren Ting, please step forward"
i was shocked. Not pastor shirley, but daniel.

"as i was praying for you, Alvern, God told me u need a renewal of mind"

i closed my eyes. Weighing out all the possibilities of coincidence. I cried. I think i felt rude, coz i totally closed my eyes when daniel was staring into mine. Tears poured down. Lord, right at the last moment, u picked me up. And i'm certain now, that you put me in this biggest group, because i am in your plan now. And i cannot deny. The greatest armour of God, is to know that you're God.

the possibilities of such coincidence recurring over and over again, say it was just fate. I think its rather impossible.

I stepped out of america room. As usual, not talking. I was thinking, this is it. This is really it, i'm all Game. I'm ALL IN.

I kept thinking of my stupid laziness which would kill me, and i thought of the dedication that i have set. It is going to be tough, but because its your plan, i am going to do it.

All my past deeds shall be past, the future and present is going to change. And i'm going to change it. I am not going to be a CL, i am going to be a Care Leader.

"in my life, be lifted high"
"in our world, be lifted high"
"in our love, be lifted high"

Hold be accountable for this entire blog post. I pray i'm never going to back out again. And i'm sincerely apologising for all the shit i've done. Basically nothing, because i did not do anything. I'm sorry, and this quater, is my quater, i am Change.

disclaimer, the two charcoal pits are exactly similar photos taken in different forms. See the charcoal arrangement if u dont believe. Its exactly the same.
why i can remember the numbers, its because i'm all game about it.

disclaimer:i am not emo

I've spent these few days, gazing into, what people deem as nothingness. I try to enjoy every bit of life, because these bits drain life from me.

And i've been talking all day to God.

On the bus.
Train.
Walking.
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Asking a billion of questions. Reasoning with myself as hard as i tried.
Knowing the things i should know best, my own motives.
Perhaps, even myself cant explain entirely myself.
And my drive burns like a furnace. A part of me tells me to slow down. Another part, declaring Lazy.
These words echoed within the epicenter of One. Rippling effects amplified.


p.s i think i'm alright.

Givin' All that i Have. :D

aLvern
simplicity is beauty
As you can see, orange is my love, not the fruit, the colour
Title explains my love for music
most of all, built relationship with God